SHYBIKER (shybiker) wrote,

Circling Back

Normally, when I write publicly, it's about impersonal subjects, like art.  Today is different.

I'm reflecting on how I've recently been circling back to my early life, even before my childhood memories start, and finding out who I really am.  That is, who I was before my parents molded (a nice word) me into the person I was forced to become.

I'm re-capturing my essence, my true nature, before it was twisted and distorted into a socially-accepted form (i.e., a conventional male identity).  My circle before the edges were shaved off as it was jammed into a square hole.

Do you do that?  Am I alone in examining and trying to re-capture myself?  It seems odd to do it at this late age (50), but that's merely because I didn't have the opportunity before now.  And late is better than never.

I realize I'll never have the life I was meant to live.  I'll never be a woman, never be seen as one, never walk down the street in a pretty floral dress and heels.  I accepted that fate in adolescence when the life I dreamed of was finally squashed. 

I coped.  I had to.  There was no alternative.

Now, I see not only my lost life but also that the necessity of coping affected me in deep ways.  I'm shy because I anticipate being criticized and rejected if I display myself.  I achieve because I need to prove to the world that I can fit in, albeit with a facade.  I compromise because I don't expect to get what I need and want.

Are you this introspective?  Do you question who you are, almost every day?  Or is it just me? 

Perhaps it's because my struggle is on so fundamental a level as gender-identity that I wrestle with it so often.  I don't see others doing that at my age.  Those afflicted with major issues usually die before my age, frequently by their own hand.  Alcoholism and other destructive behaviors are used, consciously or not, and the physical toll of such abuse hits people in their 40's and 50's.

By contrast, I'm healthy.  Physically and mentally.  I foresee above-average longevity as a result.

What I'm really wondering is, if I find enlightenment, if I find my path, is it too late?  I know it's too late for a public female life, but can I find joy in private life?

There are many aspects to this question, but I don't want to bore you...  :)

Thank you for listening.  I'd benefit from hearing feedback and your story.


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